LIU BEI: The Owner's Guide and Maintenance Manual
by super sailor vegeta-sei
Summary: Just in barely in time for Christmas. You want to add to your collection by buying a Liu Bei unit. In this guide, you will learn how to care for him.


A/N: I'm working on both the LU XUN, by request, and LIU BEI guide. I just had to give LIU BEI the CAO CAO treatment. About the GUAN YU guide I forgot to mention that GUAN YU's cosplayer is LU JUNYI the jade unicorn from the Water Margin drama, but only a few people would understand my joke. Another idea popped into my head on a CAO CAO cosplayer/lookalike, YUE BUQUN from the Proud Smiling Wanderer by Jin Yong. Nope, barely anybody would understand these jokes. Yue Buqun only had one mountain, one suicidal wife, and one daughter. And he did something that CAO CAO will never do.

**Congraduations**

You are now the proud owner of the new LIU BEI unit, one of the three warlords of the end of the Han dynasty. We are happy that you have done business with our company, a great reliable company who has been making units for over a year now. To ensure that your virtuous, mat weaver, shoe making, Imperial uncle, and borrower of some Chinese Providence thingy that was a big deal and no one cares about now, lives a happy, productive, peon loving, successful, adorn by everybody on the planet and the all of the dimensions fulled life.

**Technical Specifications**

Name: Family- LIU, Given-BEI

Style name: Xuande (dark red)

Aliases: First oath brother, Emperor of Shu, King of Nan Zhong, Imperial Uncle, father of the most disgraceful ruler of all of history, the Mulberry Tree baby, the simple mat weaver boy, virtue and the people are all that I can say, worthless vagabond, the "borrower",

Temples: The Nike factory in Chengdu.

Posthumus name: Zhaolie

Counterparts: SONG JIANG (AKA the black Chinese man) the Timely Rain of Yushang county Shandong

Cosplayers: HARU 3.0 the Avatar the Last Airbender collection

Clones: HIDEOYOSHI TOYOTOMI

World leader that resemble LIU BEI:

Pro-Shu version-Jesus and Buddha.

Sorry, no anti-Shu because Koei, the novel, history, and the drama made everything Shu the hero. We are forced to love Shu!

Type: Founder of the Kingdom of Shu

Manufacturer: Koei Omega Force, Dynasty Warriors edition, Kingdom of Shu collection, Leaders of Shu volume #1, The Stupid World Leaders Who We All Love special edition

Date of manufactor: circa 161 A.D. around the time the Romans came to China

Default age: 31 (thirty-one)

Place of manufacture: Zhuozhou, He Bei province in a barn or a mulberry tree

Appearance: Let's see here. Ah, yes, lips that resemble daps of rouge like a woman (very red I might add), large Dumbo ears, a beard that looks like a melted chocolate sundae cone that ran down his chin, and long monkey-like arms

Height: 5 (five) feet and 8 (eight) inches

Weight: Since he was poor as a child, he was probably malnourished thus he doesn't weigh that much

Length: His golden dragon is long

**Acessories**

One (1) beautiful jade green brocade battle robe

One (1) set of leather armor as a peon soldier

One (1) set of emerald green armor with golden dragons

One (1) pair of brown pants

Two (2) half crown diems that expose his hair bun

One (1) pair of leather boots

One (1) beautiful green sash for his waist

One (1) sapphire sash

One (1) girdle that matches the green sash and armor

One (1) cape that matches it all

**Addition Accessories (sold seperately)**

One (1) ZHAO YUN bodyguard [A/N: Note you can go without buying this unit. He actually causes more trouble than good (LIU CHAN)].

One (1) ZHUGE LIANG strategist just make sure his wife unit is with him all the time when he's with LIU BEI.

One (1) Hex Mark saddle. It is advised that if you want PANG TONG to live, don't let him borrow this horse.

One (1) dreaded LIU CHAN unit. We high advise that you don't buy one.

**Installation**

Just open the crate and shout random stupid things like the sword of virtue, the people, the garden, and my brothers. Instant LIU BEI.

**Uses**

Motivational speaker- He will create many great speeches a lot better than many famous world leaders all by himself even without ZHUGE LIANG. These are the great speeches which make people want to follow him. If you are having trouble with speech team, debate class, or even a professional speaking class, just have your LIU BEI tutor you and give you priceless tips. No CAO CAO unit can do that.

Sucess story and sell millions of books on it- First have your LIU BEI unit live out his life from a starving peasant who sells straw mats to a king who has almost every sparking thingy. Then buy a CAO CAO unit if you do not already have one. Make sure your CAO CAO unit writes out a really long biography that is very compelling and sad. Go on the Oprah Show and profit. (A/N: This was stolen from Encyclopedia Dramatica).

Pissing of your Edward fangirl friends- Are your friends all twitards? Do they write on their notebooks and folders future Mrs. Cullen or I 3 Edward Christmas just right now the corner, buy your friends a LIU BEI lie and say that you bought them an EDWARD unit, but right before you give them the crate you must activate LIU BEI. Make sure that he holds a sign in red and green colors saying Edward is only words, biT$%, but LIU BEI is real. Now laugh until your intestines burst with pain

**Modes**

vitreous (default)

Stupid

Friend

Hero

**Cleaning**

Your LIU BEI unit will meticulously shave and cut his facial hair everyday.

**Lubrication**

Your LIU BEI unit is not that experienced when it comes to matters of love. We highly recommend that you use a lot of oils or buy adult toys.

**Energy**

Being a peon most of his life, LIU BEI doesn't care what he eats. Just feed him anything. If you need to save money, just take him to eat at the soup kitchen or get food at a food bank.

**Interactions**

This unit gets along well with other units even CAO CAO units. Please be wary of SUN QUANS or any other commanders from WEI or WU. You can have members of all three kingdoms living in your house LIU BEI, ZHUGE LIANG, GUAN YU, ZHANG FEI, ZHAO YUN, CAO CAO, ZHU XU, DIAN WEI, and SUN SHANG XIANG.

**Warnings**

In real history LIU BEI did not have facial hair, he will make fun of those will long beards. Keep him away from Santa Clause. LIU BEI also needs a strategist to lead his life. Do not force yourself on LIU BEI for romance. You should not worry if SUN SHANG XIANG does not like him or vice versa. If you do not want to death of the hobo, PANG TONG, to happen do not let him ride the Hex Mark.

**FAQS**

Question: You sent me a peon!

Answer: No, I did not that is really a Dynasty Warriors 6 version of LIU BEI. They (Koei) decided on cutting off the 'stache and beard to make him ten years younger. That is an aging secret that the ancient Chinese knew and was lost in time.

Question: I bought the ZHUGE LIANG unit according to this guide, but why does my LIU BEI ignore his brothers and sleep and eat with ZHUGE LIANG all the time. Help!

Answer: Your LIU BEI loved his oath brothers at first, then he loved ZHAO YUN, and after this it's ZHUGE LIANG. Please don't worry. Just buy a SUN SHANG XIANG unit, his default wife. A SUN SHANG XIANG unit is LIU BEI's last lover for good, then he's all yours. If you don't want your LIU BEI to fall in love with ZHUGE LIANG, then buy a HUANG YUEYING (she might be a great ancestor or related to HUANG RONG) for ZHUGE LIANG even though he was married long before he met your LIU BEI unit.

Question: Why does he keep calling men with different surnames his brothers, and what is Chinese brotherhood anyways?

Answer: In order to place an order for Secrets of the Ancient Chinese Brotherhood for Westernersfor free, just give us your LIU BEI unit's bar code number over the phone calling 1-800-AZN-BROS. Your book will be shipped out the very next day. Another thing to try to read is the Chinese classic, Water Margin AKA Outlaws of the Marsh, All Men are Brothers, and the Water Side Tale. Brotherhood is more exposed and explained in this book.

Question: My LIU BEI keeps on shouting AIDS. Is there anything wrong with him or is this normal? I'm concerned because he had many different lovers.

Answer: First, is this a Dynasty Warriors 3 edition of LIU BEI because some people misinterpret what he shouts when he attacks? He might be saying AIDS we just never know. Please get him checked out for AIDS. You can go to a blood bank for this or call (800) 788-1234 to get tested.

Question: Why can't you make more of these guides?

Answer: I don't have the time and plus making these units is a long process. They aren't just whipped up in some Chinese sweatshop with children.

Question: I bought a Dynasty Warriors 6 version of LIU BEI, and a lot of women chase him. Why?

Answer: Because he has no facial hair.

**Troubleshooting**

Problem: Your best friend has a SUN SHANG XIANG unit, and your LIU BEI unit falls instantly in love with her. You want your LIU BEI to only love you and nobody else.

Solution: Just let SUN SHANG XIANG have LIU BEI for a little while. She gets bored and goes back to Wu to hook up with a GAN NING unit. Or you could have just bought a GAN NING unit because once SUN SHANG XIANG sees a GAN NING unit, she can care less about your LIU BEI unit. Be careful though because the introduction of a LU XUN unit to GAN NING will activate his default gay programing. If you or your friend have a LU XUN unit, he will get jealous of the relationship between SUN SHANG XIANG ANG GAN NING.

Problem: When SUN SHANG XIANG went back to Wu, she took LIU CHAN along with her.

Solution: Just let the little butch b!t(H take him. It will do more good in the end.

Problem: Your LIU BEI unit is gay.

Solution: Move to the gay community in San Francisco. It's an added bonus that a bunch of Asian people live there.

**Warranty**

Because your LIU BEI unit is a survivor and will die when he is rather old, we cannot offer you a free warranty you have to buy one yourself, cheapskate.

**Notes**

With proper care and maintenance, according to this manual, your LIU BEI unit will lead a fulfilling, happy, productive, and successful life.

**Contact Information**

Questions, comments, or concerns please click on "submit review". Your question will be answered in a twenty-four (24) hour time period. For really private questions, please PM the maker of this guide, and they will respond within a twenty-four (24) hour period.

**Super secret information that nobody knows Christmas double bonus**

You know in the novel how it is war mostly fought against Shu and Wei, but Wu just existed. Well, that is a lie. It was war between Wei and Wu with Shu just being there. The real historical Liu Bei never had facial hair. People throughout the ages just added facial hair to make him more manly just like with Will Riker. I crushed your all of your beliefs and made you a supporter of Wei.

One last final note: I have a LU XUN guide half made if anybody would like to finish it but do not f^*K with it. Contact me if interested. Also buy now, and you get it in a few days for Christmas. Free and fast shipping on LIU BEI units for the holidays. A two day sale. Buy now.


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